Visions of the Past

The other day I was out in the pasture cutting the grass and burning some old lumber.  As the day wore on, the fire got hotter and I found myself entranced by the blaze.  It’s as if it captivated me.  It wasn’t too long after that that I started seeing a man burning as flashbacks of an airplane crash that I responded to popped in my head.  It’s been just over three years, and still from time to time I see him burning, flesh melting off of his bones.  That’s an image hard to get rid of.  In that moment this voice popped into my head making me doubt if I had done enough when responding.  If maybe I would have drug him from the burning wreckage, maybe we could have saved him.  I know that he died on impact, every bone broken, and understand that the burning, thank God, he did not feel.  However, the devil likes to worm his way into the most intricate of spaces and try to convince us that we have done wrong, aren’t good enough, or worthy enough.

We all have some type of trauma in our lives that we seem to relive, some of us more than others.  It depends on the trauma, did we repress, has it been buried and we keep pushing it down until all of a sudden it explodes.  There are things that we believe we have dealt with that really we haven’t.  For some of us, certain situations remind us of those traumas.  Maybe it’s a trauma from child hood and being around some of the same types of situations you dealt with as a child bring that trauma to the front.  Those people who are a part of your life then and now usually take the brunt of the explosion.  Because unfortunately, sometimes they are the catalyst, that spark in your life that reminds you of that trauma.  Being around them more than usual or certain things they say or do remind you of memories you would like to forget.  Unfortunately, the only thing they pick up on is that you exploded on them and not that they somehow had any part in it.  What’s that saying, “for anyone who is without blame, let him cast the first stone.”  With that understanding, there should never be a stone cast in my opinion, because I can’t think of one person who is without blame to some degree, including myself.

My Pastor asked me the other day, what is the difference in my life now as opposed to before I was saved?  I think the difference is that now, I strive to actually try to be a better person than I was before.  Cussing is no longer my second language, alcohol is no longer a beverage of choice, nicotine is no longer a pleasure I partake in.  I am more capable of recognizing my own faults and realizing that yes, I can be wrong about things.  I’m quicker to apologize when I realize I’ve done wrong and I realize that forgiveness is a major part of any Christian journey.  Even though I still have issues that I’m dealing with from my past, I’m no longer depressed and repressed.  I am trying to take the negatives of my life and turn them into positives.  I’m not going to say it’s easy.  No one ever said doing the right thing or living a Christian life was easy, but it is a whole lot better than the life I was living. 

Today’s sermon at church was about laying down the burdens of the past.  Lord knows I pray about it and try to lay down those burdens daily.  I have however realized that I’m no longer running and hiding from the past, but running towards a future in Christ.  There are some who will try to beat you down because you make a mistake and say that you really aren’t a Christian.  However, I don’t believe any true Christian can do wrong in the eyes of the Lord and not feel convicted to correct that wrong.  That conviction is what allows us to know that we are trying to live a Christ like life.  We will fail, we will falter, we will come short.  But the grace of God will get us the rest of the way.   

I’m reminded of a song that I truly love.  The last part of the rift speaks so much to how I am trying to live and change my life.  “I’m carried up into the higher levels, no chains can bind me because now I’m alive in you. I belong to You, You called my name and I left that life behind.  Now I’m alive in this thing called grace and mercy, now I am a live in you.”  Isn’t that something that we should all strive for, to be alive in Jesus Christ?  But in order to do that, we have to become dead to the things of the flesh.  The burdens of the past will continue to weigh us down until we let them go and just live for Jesus Christ.  He is judge and jury and the things of this earth cannot hold us down.  We all have a cross to bear, but none can compare to that of our Lord and Savior.  You see, he bore the ultimate price so you don’t have to.  The blood of Jesus washes me clean and makes me whole.  Do you believe He can do the same for you?