Are You A Faithbook Friend?

     I lost a Facebook friend today. I was in my inbox looking for a message that I had sent to someone when I realized one of my friends had a different picture posted. I said, hmm, let me check out her new pic. Imagine my surprise when it said, add this person as a friend. At first, I was slightly hurt. Then I wondered what I must have done this time for her to be upset with me. She was previously upset with me for being too honest with her, but that was weeks ago. She acted like she was better after I sent her a message explaining my honesty. The last time we messaged each other, everything was okay, or so I thought. But then again, it is easy to fool people when we can't hear their voices.  

     Initially, I was a bit upset, but the moment was fleeting. I realize that with each person, there is a reason, season, and lifetime. I hoped that I would be a friend for a lifetime, which is usually my intent with all of my friends. But instead, I guess it was for a season or a reason. When I look at the two options, I hope it was a reason. Sometimes, we are only in people's lives for a reason--an opportunity to plant a seed if you will. Hopefully the time that I did spend with her, talking with her, ministering to her impacted her life in some way. If not today, hopefully I planted the seed that will come to fruition one day soon and she will take that knowledge and have a prosperous walk in Christ.

     I look back now and even though I was initially upset, I wondered is it really that important that I lost a Facebook friend? No, not really. I realize that Faithbook friends are so much more important and rarer than any Facebook friend. My faithbook friends will tell me the truth, will help me with my walk in Christ, and be a shoulder to lean on and a never-ending supply of wealth and knowledge when I am lost. A faithbook friend will be there no matter what. If they can't be there physically, they will always pray for me. As I look back, I realize that 30 Facebook friends couldn't even come close to comparing to 1 faithbook friend. I am so thankful for each and every one of you. I am thankful that not only are you in my life for a reason, but a season, and blessed that you are there for a lifetime.

The Things We Carry Can Weigh Us Down

     We are currently reading short stories in English and we came upon one titled "The Things We Carry." In a nutshell, it is about the Vietnam War and the things soldiers carry; the items in their rucksack or the mental images of war. I would venture to say that we all have traumatic images that we have difficulty reconciling. Things that we have seen or done that we just can't seem to wrap our head around. We have ghosts that will always haunt us, and voices that will always wake us in the dead of sleep.

     Regardless of whether you have been in the military, the medical field, a police officer, or a fireman, you probably have seen things that have caused you to lose sleep on more than one occasion. Or maybe, there was some traumatic event in your life that continues to haunt you that you can't seem to escape. Regardless of what it is you carry, we all have demons that haunt us. I would surmise that the things we carry on the inside supersede the weight of any we could carry on the outside. Unfortunately, we tend to wallow in these burdens instead of dealing with them. No matter how much trauma you have seen or pain and misery you have dealt with, it is better to talk about it rather than to hold it within. By holding it within, the devil uses it to fuel his quest of destruction. He uses it like blackmail to hold over our heads. Sometimes these traumas begin to suck the life out of us. Life as we know it becomes dismal and full of despair until we eventually end up in a full blown depression. This depression typically leads to drinking alcohol, popping pills, or shooting up to just to block the memory or numb the pain. We get to a point that even our own friends don't want to hang around us because they feel like our depression is "rubbing" off on them. They feel as though they are becoming just as jaded about life as we are. At the same time, they don't know how to help us, so out of sight, is out of mind.

     Undoubtedly, it takes most of us hitting rock bottom in order to finally find the rest we seek. That rest can come in several forms. The first being death because we have given up on life and can't bear the pain any longer, so we end our pain. The other CHOICE will be to finally recognize that there is someone who loves and cares about us. Someone who will be there no matter what. Someone who will never give up on us like our friends will. Someone who will not constantly throw our demons in our face like the devil will. But someone who will comfort us, ease our pain, ease our guilt, forgive our sin, and give us shelter when we are tired. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NIV.

     No matter the demons we have or the burdens we carry, He can make them lighter if we call upon Him. There is NOTHING that can't be forgiven if asked. We may not find forgiveness from man, but we will always find forgiveness and solace in God. Over time, I have come to the realization that my burdens are too heavy to carry alone, and have asked God to lighten my load. Will you join me and ask Him to carry the weight for You as well?

How Popular Are You?

     I'm sitting here waiting for class to start and I'm listening to some tunes. Currently listening to Meredith Andrews and the song "Come Home" pops up. There is just something about this song that is so wonderful. It actually reminds me of quite a few friends. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones who are trying to have a daily walk with Christ or maybe attempting it. The ones that are on the verge who feel that they need to clean up their lives in order for Christ to love them. They feel like they are somehow unworthy or a disappointment to God, so this prevents them from having a deeper relationship.

     I understand how people can feel unworthy, trust me, I've been there. I look back on all the sin in my life whether it was from things I did or sins against me, and wondered how God could accept someone who is so "dirty" in the ways of the world. It took me a long time to get those thoughts out of my head. Seems the devil trains us well on the pity, the sorrow, the shame, the disappointment, the unworthiness, and the failures that we have become. This is exactly what the devil likes to do; he likes to keep us under his thumb and under his control. Sometimes our friends are controlled by the devil as well and have difficulty accepting the fact that we want to change. We even sometimes delay our walk with Christ because of the way our friends treat us. It's sad that the devil and our friends have so much influence over the values that we have. That we somehow can't make up our own mind and decide to live a morally righteous life for fear of no longer being popular.

     I've become so unconcerned about what people think of me the closer I get in my relationship with God. Because in the end, it doesn't matter how popular you are with your friends, it matters how popular you are with God. What say you?

Are You A Graduate of Christ?

     I just had the most amazing 1 ½ hour long full body massage. To say I feel like a new woman is an understatement. And now, I’m sitting on campus waiting for class to start. I’m so relaxed that now I just want to go take a nap. Chances are, I might fall asleep in class. It’s funny how we can have such an amazing experience and then we become tired and drained. I believe that this occurs with many aspects of life and most definitely in our spiritual life.

     You see, we go through troubling times and turn to God for help. We become saved and try to change our life around. But after the initial exuberating jolt, we become tired. We become tired of trying to live a moral and righteous life. We become tired of doing the right thing versus the wrong thing. Tired of trying to follow the code of ethics laid out in the bible versus the immorality laid out by man. We tend to fall prey to society’s views thinking them more important than God’s. I’m not going to lie; being a Christian is sometimes tiring. It is so much easier to live in sin than without sin. The reason is that when you’re living in sin, no one is really fighting you. God gives you the free will to do as you choose. He will be there to guide you along the way, but he doesn’t force you or try to make you do anything.

     However, when you are trying to live a Christ like life, the devil is constantly fighting you and that’s why you become so tired. You are tired of fighting the devil and his never ending bombardment of sin that he throws your way. We make it too easy for him by giving up and giving in because we have become a society that wants a free pass, an easy way out.

     I remember once when I was still in the military, I picked up a patient for suicidal ideation. She had an escort with her who knew of her situation. See most of these kids claim suicidal ideation to get discharged from basic training because they can’t hack it, not because they are really suicidal. The trainee asked me for permission to speak and I said sure, go ahead. She turned to the other girl and said “You want out of basic training? The quickest and easiest way out is to graduate.” I couldn’t have agreed with her more. Not only is that true for basic training, but also true with our daily walk with Christ. Yes, things may be somewhat difficult now, but the quickest and easiest way to eternal bliss is to graduate in Christ. Commencement starts now. Will you join me?

Are You Unworthy of God's Love?

     Today is such a wonderful and glorious day. Thinking back I’m reminded of early 2004 when "The Passion of The Christ" came out in theaters. At the time, I had been recently saved, but without the proper foundation fell back into a life of daily sin. I remember my neighbors inviting me to go to the show with them and their church. My neighbor’s husband had PRK (eye surgery) earlier that week and was still having visual disturbances. He wasn’t able to drive and couldn’t see words clearly to read. We went to the viewing regardless. When we got there, he was like, this is going to be fun, because he couldn’t even make out what was on the screen.

     I have to say, I’m not quite sure what I was expecting. I expected to be emotionally moved, no doubt, but not really sure what else I expected. I look back and besides all of the crying that I did in the movie, I don’t really remember much except for the whipping scene and the feeling I had at the end of the movie. At the end of the movie, eyes swollen from crying, I felt something release in me, although I can’t tell you what it was now. I remember saying, WOW, I knew he loved me and that he died for me, but really, WOW. I never knew that he LOVED me THAT much, that HE went through that much pain and endured all of that suffering FOR ME. Someone He didn’t know, hadn’t met, and who wasn’t even born yet. In that moment I finally got it. I never understood how God could sacrifice His only begotten SON FOR ME (John 3:16).

     What I failed to understand until that moment was that by sacrificing one child, he gained thousands of children. When I hear people say that they are unworthy to be saved or unworthy of God’s love, I feel like it’s a slap in God’s face because YOU still don’t get it. His sacrifice made YOU worthy. There is nothing that you can do that you can’t ask God to forgive you for, regardless of how awful it may be. Jesus’ sacrifice paid YOUR debt in full. In those moments where you doubt yourself, or start to feel sorry for yourself, YOU are allowing the devil to win. Because it is him who makes YOU feel unworthy, not God. The devil finds OUR weaknesses and magnifies them so that WE begin to feel unworthy. It is in those moments that YOU must be still and know that He is God, and that all things are possible through Him (Phil 4:13). In those moment's where you don't feel as though you can do that, PRAY, talk to Him, thank Him, praise Him, exalt Him, love Him, and BELIEVE in Him.

     Let’s flash back to the movie in 2004. Credits roll up and I turn to my friend’s husband and tell him, I so wish you could have read the subtitles so you could have followed along with the movie because it was so wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, it saddened me, but also made me happy because of finally understanding His love for me and that’s why I say wonderful. My friend said, “You won’t believe this but, it was the most amazing thing. I was sitting here, couldn’t see a thing on the screen and then the movie started. As soon as the movie started, the screen and words became crystal clear. I was able to read everything for the whole movie. When the credits started rolling, my vision became blurry again.” Dispute that. YOU tell me GOD doesn’t perform miracles in order to spread His message. That man just became a living testament of the power of GOD, and I was blessed to have witnessed it. In that moment I realized that it's not only about "The Passion of The Christ" but also "A Passion For Christ." How amazing OUR God is. I serve such a WONDERFUL and AWESOME GOD. What about you?

Who's the Pilot of Your life?

     Have you ever felt like death ran you over? You feel so awful, your body hurts so much that you just can't imagine anything worse. You would welcome anything just for the pain to go away. Sad part is you feel this way all because of a cold. All because the medicine you are taking spiked your blood pressure setting off a cataclysmic event causing you to feel worse than before.

     A friend later tells you that the medicine is causing you to feel worse and tells you to try something else. You listen and within a day, life is looking beautiful and wonderful again all because you accepted something new in your life. If you would have known it was as simple as taking the blue pill vs the red pill, you would have chosen the other one some time ago. Our spiritual life is really just that simple too. The red pill or the blue pill. Good or evil, heaven or hell, God or the devil. Just like the right medicine can perk you up, so can the power of God and His never-ending affection.

     We all too often look for the easy answer when problems arise, typically assuming the norm, forgetting how it turned out before. The truth of the matter is that the most obvious answer is usually the easiest answer, and that is letting go and just turning it over to God. You see, He has this uncanny ability to overcome death, whether it is physical or spiritual. So on that note, how about you test drive God for a change and let Him become the Pilot of Your life.

A Perfect Fit

     The last few days I have taken on the adventure of job hunting. You know what I'm talking about, everyone has to do it, but nobody likes to. As I'm driving to town, I pull up to the red light and I glance over at the car next to me. As the lady is looking in the mirror trying to fix her hair, I begin to stare at her convertible with the top down and wonder, what's the point.

     As I continue my adventure, I stopped at multiple places to apply. I swear I was filling out an application at one place for an hour. I surmise that if you have to enter the same information 5 times, then you are overpaying the person who designed the application. Just to let you know, I'm available if you need someone more efficient. As I sat there, a guy came up to ask for help because he needed advice on something for his dorm room. I told him I didn't work there and then proceeded to tell him how to fix his problem. Every other place I went, people asked me for help as well. Next time, I'm wearing something neon so no one gets me confused. Do I have a sign on me that says, easy to talk to; will point you in the right direction?

     Finally ended the day with filling out an application at a youth detention center. Some of the kids were actually pretty cute. Came home and then went to church to show my Pastor and his wife a power point presentation that I put together for Resurrection Sunday. She played the piano, he sang, and I did the slide show along with it. She actually quit playing midway through because she was so moved by the presentation that I put together. She felt it was extremely powerful, which is what I was going for. My Pastor asked me if I knew what adequate was, I told him yeah and I was way above that. He started laughing, and said yes you are. If my Pastor's wife would have been drinking something I think she would have spewed.

     It's nice when you can do something and people are moved by what you did just as much as you are. I wish there was something that I could do and get paid for it along those lines. That would be nice, you know, actually enjoy what you are doing and get paid. Seems we all end up somewhere that we are unhappy and forget who we are and where we are going. Sometimes, it comes along all too late in life the realization that the path we are on is not quite right for us, that it somehow no longer is a perfect fit. Unfortunately, we all too quickly assume our path in life instead of the path God has laid out for us. As we round the corner to Resurrection Sunday, I have just one question really. How do you FIT in the Body of Christ?

Have You Forgotten?

     Have you forgotten that today is an important day in history? No doubt unless this day holds sentimental value, you have no clue unless you look it up. On April 19th, 1995 the most destructive terrorist attack until 9/11 occurred on American Soil. 168 people senselessly murdered, while over 600 more were wounded, and for what? They were killed because one group of people had such a hatred for the federal government over dealings with Ruby Ridge in June '92 and Waco Siege that ended on 19 April '93. Because one group of radicals became extremist and let their hatred fuel them, innocent people became victims of their mission. If you have never been to the site, I recommend you go. I have been to the site on numerous occasions because I used to be stationed in Oklahoma City.

     The most influential experience I ever had was actually visiting on the anniversary. We as a nation tend to carry on as if nothing happened. However, on the anniversary, family members are reminded of the violence that took their loved one's away all too soon. On this day, I ask that you remember those fallen and those still left to carry on the burden. I ask you to pray for the peace that the family members so rightly deserve and seek. I pray that they have all found a comfort and solace in the Lord to help them through it all. Because with Him, all things are possible. God Bless!

Anger is Rooted in Unforgiveness

     Have you ever been so angry at someone that you did or said something you regret? Do you have a tendency to lash out at people for no apparent reason? What would you say if that anger could be controlled or at least minimized by one simple act? The problem with anger that most choose to ignore is understanding what the root cause of the anger is in the first place.

     One of the most difficult things for people to do is forgive one another. Usually our pride tends to get in the way of doing the right thing. The longer we wait, the more difficult it becomes to forgive one another. You see, anger is rooted in unforgiveness. Subconsciously we carry that burden of unforgiveness until the point that it begins to feed off of every aspect of our lives. It is ironic that we claim to be Christians but can’t seem to even practice the simplest of directions. From the time that we were children, we have been taught “The Lord’s Prayer.” It is specifically laid out in Matthew 6:12: “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”

     How can we expect God to forgive us if we can’t forgive others? It is amazing the capacity to love that you can accrue by getting rid of the “junk” in your life. On that note, what is it that you need to forgive in order to remove yourself as an obstacle in your own life and press on in the body of Christ?

Godincidences

     As I sit here on campus taking a break from reading, I can hear the birds chirping, cars faintly passing by, and a group of kids cackling in the background.  I feel the heat of the sun on my back and welcome the breeze through my hair.  As the breeze flows, it carries a slight hint of a smell I’m all too familiar with.  I look across the way to see those smoking as the scent taunts me with its aroma. 

     As I gaze over, I’m reminded of a life I used to have just 3 months ago.  How for 17 years I SMOKED and couldn’t get rid of the habit because I treated it like it was my best friend or maybe more like an UNHEALTHY ROMANCE.  Yeah, I like that better, an unhealthy romance.  You know the kind I’m talking about.  The kind that you hold onto because you love that person so much.  You feel as though your whole identity is wrapped up in who you are when you are with them. The kind where you would do anything, say anything, be anything, just to be with them.  You turn yourself inside out to the point that onlookers no longer remember or recognize you.

    Once you come to a realization that this is an unhealthy relationship, you try to change your ways.  However the addiction continues to pull you back in over, and over, and over again.  It’s like a never ending cycle that you seem doomed to repeat. Whether it is continuously going back to the unhealthy relationship, or quitting smoking only to return because you just can’t handle it.  It doesn’t matter what the habit is, we all have certain tendencies.  Picking the wrong guy, drinking alcohol too much, smoking, drugs, partying hard, being promiscuous, or maybe even all of the above. 

     I mention these because they have almost all had some effect on my life.  I’ve definitely made mistakes on the guys I pick.  Typically they tend to be alcoholics and well, you tend to become what you surround yourself with. The drinking alcohol can lead you down a road of destruction that leads to smoking, drugs, partying and sleeping around.  I’ve been fortunate enough that my road only led to the alcohol, smoking, partying, and almost sleeping around.  You see, I say almost for a very good reason. I almost did, but I didn’t. 

     People will say, I did this because I was drunk or I did that, never taking responsibility for their actions and always blaming it on the alcohol.  I’ve gotten myself into some pretty harried situations while being drunk, but I can honestly say, I’ve never done anything that I totally regret while being in that situation.  You see, even before I was a Christian and saved, the Lord had his hand on me.  When I would get into stupid situations that I had no right to be in, it was like I would immediately sober up and the voice in my head would say “Brandy, what are you doing?  If you were sober you wouldn’t be doing this.”  And you know what, He was right, I wouldn’t have.  Therefore, I would exit stage right and be on my way.

     I guess my point is this. We all come from somewhere.  We have been dealt trials and tribulations that we believe to be worse off than everyone else’s. We somehow believe that no one’s drama can compare to ours.  It’s a matter of whether we CHOOSE to stay in that unhealthy romance, or we CHOOSE to exit stage right.  Will we continue to do things OUR way that ends in pain, misery, and destruction that we are required to mask every day?  Or, will we CHOOSE to listen to that voice in our head, accept the help of those who try to help us, and pay attention to those coincidences in life.  Because, I truly believe those are some of the examples of God trying to place Himself in our lives and be available when we call on His name. 

     You may be reading this saying, yeah right.  But let me ask you this, what coincidences have happened in your life?  What voice did you ignore and things went badly? What person tried to help you and you shunned them away?  I have resolved myself to listen to that voice in my head instead of ignoring it, because He hasn’t let me down yet.  I pay attention to those coincidences, because as a friend so rightly put it those are “Godincidences.”  It seems as though the stronger my relationship with the Lord, the more “Godincidences” there are.  I am thankful for the people that God has put in my life to help me on the journey that I am on.  Because you see, without Him and them, I would be lost.

Are You An Empty Picture Frame?

     So on my way home from the VA today, I decided to take the scenic route.  Don't ask me where that is out here because everything is scenic.  I was looking for something off the beaten path, a place that I could go, meditate, pray, and just soak up the glory of His presence.  I started looking for places to park because it was just so beautiful that I wanted to take pictures and lots of them.  I don't know what I love more, writing or photography; it's definitely a tossup. 

     Anyway, I can’t find a place to park because the road is to narrow.  I thought about parking on the grass, but for some reason, voices of tech school popped in my head and SSgt Fight shouting “GET OFF MY GRASS.” So as I continue my drive and become resolved at just looking at the surroundings, I’m a little disappointed at not being able to take a photograph.  This spawns a thought back to the beginning of the semester in speech class. 

     We were told to do a speech about ourselves using an object.  I couldn’t think of an object for the life of me to describe myself.  I thought of using a scratch n sniff sticker (see previous note), a chess board, and then I somehow settled on a picture frame. An empty picture frame, to be exact.  I told the class not to look at the picture frame as being empty per se but more of lack of picture, which represented the lack of my father in my life.  I let my pastor’s wife read it to see what she thought of it.  She said, I like it, but I need some clarifications. 

     You see, I love sharing my writing with people, the more who read it the better.  I want to know what people think of it.  Do they agree, disagree, did it touch them in some way?  I want to use my writing in order to make a difference in someone’s life.  Chances are, it may only be my life that receives a blessing from it, and that’s okay too.  However, I try to be honest in my writing, and I wish people would be honest about what they think.  Even if they don’t like it, chances are, it still made them think.

     So back to the pastor’s wife, we have a sit down and she says, well it’s really good, but…Do you think God sees you as an empty picture frame?  The thought actually never crossed my mind.  In a flash, I realized that this was so much deeper than I could fathom.  Instantly, I realized that subconsciously I do think of myself as an empty picture frame, someone who’s got a good foundation, but someone who still needs work on the inside.  I tried to turn away because, well--I didn’t want her to see me cry.  And well, what was the point of hiding it, she already knew.  You see, that was the whole point.  She knew the emotion she could evoke from me by asking that question, but she still did because she loves me, cares about me, and wants the best for me.  She wanted me to dig deep within myself and get to the root of the cause, and, at the same time, she took a chance of stepping outside of the norm and asked me an honest question.  Seems to be something lacking in today's society for fear of hurting people's feelings.

     It has been a few months since I have thought of that.  The person who wrote that speech is not the person who writes this today.  It’s almost as if that one simple question set off a cataclysmic event in me, one of self-discovery and getting back to the roots of who I am and where I am going in life.  It actually should be obvious to everyone with all of the writing I’ve been doing.  It’s like my brain is on overload, and I can’t shut it off.  It’s been this way before, but, at that time, it was a dark period in my life.  Everything I wrote was of despair and destruction. 

     Today, I find myself more thought provoking, because by asking questions of myself, I can ask questions of others.  Maybe one sentence will spark a fortunate event for someone else.  Because you see, the picture frame has a story all its own, and what I choose to do with it is what’s most important.  I can keep it and use it as a shrine of what was, or I can fill it and look forward to what’s to come.  I choose the latter.  What say you?

The Blind Man

     So, I'm taking a break from reading this short story for class, because well, it got me to thinking.  And well let's face it, here lately I seem to be doing a lot of that.  The story is of a blind man who lost his wife and comes to stay with a lady who used to take care of him, and her husband.  The husband can't understand how the blind man was ever married to someone that he couldn't see.  That because he couldn't see the size of her, the color of her hair, the color of her eyes, the beauty that she exhibits when she smiles or laughs, that somehow, this is a sad union. 

     How could this woman marry him knowing that he could never see her and be able to compliment her on the dress she is wearing, the way her hair falls across her face, the way she tucks her hair behind her ear when she is nervous.  How could she be with him knowing that he could never make her feel beautiful.  It just got me to thinking at how blessed they both were.  Neither one had preconceived notions of the other.  They didn't care what one another looked like, dressed like etc.  They looked past all of that and fell in love with each other's souls.

     I often wonder what it would be like to have that kind of relationship.  To be loved by anyone just for being me and them not expecting anything in return. In today's society, it just seems like a foreign concept.  People don't do anything without expecting something in return, or at least most don't. We have dropped the notion of kindness and selfless acts at the door with the erosion of our morality.  Seems you try to go against the grain and care for someone just because it is morally the right thing to do and help them when need be, and people tend to lash out because they don't know how to deal with the kindness, the concern because they have never felt it before. 

     We become slaves to society expecting a norm of confusion and disappointment. When someone who appears in our lives chooses to care and help us rise above, we don't know how to receive that.  I've been there, so I know what I'm talking about.  Because see, just like the blind man, someone once saw me for me and helped pull me out of the dungeons of despair. There were many times I pushed back and somehow, she's still here after all these years.  Not because she has to be, but because she loves me and cares about me just for being me. On that note, thank you for not giving up.

Are You A Bench Warmer?

     As I'm sitting on campus today, a girl from class comes up to me and plops down for a chat.  We're talking about the test were fixing to have, she's freaking out because she thought it was on Wednesday and didn't study.  I did study, but still didn't understand it, so was resolved at being perplexed. 

     As we sat there, somehow things turned from the test to the test of life.  She started telling me of accidents she had been in, one in particular that she felt ruined her life.  You see, she was slotted to receive a softball scholarship to McNeese and LSU.  She was that good and planned on making softball her career.  Then one day, tragedy struck and she lost it all.  She feels like her whole life has been ruined because she can't play softball.  She wanted to know, why does God do the things he does?  What kind of master plan can he have that justifies ruining her life?  I tried to tell her, I don't know why things are the way they are.  I just believe that there is a reason for everything. 

     Sometimes in life, the path we choose to take isn't the path that is right for us. Our plan isn't always God's plan.  Maybe God knew that by her taking her path she was doomed for destruction and the accident saved her.  Who is to say what His plan is but Him.  We may not always have the answers and sometimes we are too close to the situation to even understand.  There are many of us who have been through horrible events in our lives. 

     Everyone has had at least one situation that altered the course of their life.  Some of us hold onto it for years, blaming God or blaming those who hurt us.  It takes us years to realize that nothing can change the past and we must move on with our future.  It's almost like we are on the sideline just watching as things occur, suspended in time.  We can continue to go through blaming everyone, or we can try to forgive.  Many people complain about their anger and how they have difficulty controlling it.  They can't understand what is wrong and why they blow up over anything and everything.  Most likely, there is something in their life that they can't get past.  You see, anger is rooted in unforgiveness.  Once we forgive those who have hurt us, or asked God to forgive them, we can refocus that anger into something more positive.  Oh I know that it may sound like a bunch of hooey, but it's worked for me. 

     Because the way I see it, you can stay on the sidelines most of your life, but at some point you have to get off the bench and start living. I'm not saying get out of the house and paint the town red, get drunk or whatever else.  I'm just saying, we can only hold onto our misfortunes for so long.  Sometimes, we need to let it go in order to move on.  There comes a time when we have to put our faith in something higher than us, and for me, that is God.  Unfortunately some of us would rather stay miserable in a familiar place, rather than move on to the unknown.  I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being a bench warmer in my own life.  What say you?

Burn Party

     So I decided, tonight is the night. Over the last week, I have been reviewing things in my life, looking at old photos and such. I realized that I had been holding on to way too many negative things from the past. Some of those were pictures of me in drunken stupors. Others of me with men I had been in relationships with. I started wandering what was I holding onto this for? I decided that that was somehow a barrier to me moving on with my relationship with God. So tonight, a "burn party" I had. Well, me and one very special friend. We both decided to quit holding onto things of the past and move forward. I do have to say that it felt rather liberating. Surprisingly, I was not torn up about removing these items from my life. I actually thought I'd have difficulty parting with them. I mean really, some of that stuff was 13 years old and still holding on.

     This is just one more step in removing the "trash, the junk, the unimportant, the misery, the pain or whatever you want to call it" from my life. It's amazing how the capacity to be and help others grows astronomically when you get over yourself. At least that's how I feel about it. So far it has been a fabulous week, and it's only just begun. It's been a good year. I can't remember the last time I woke up with regret. The last year has been such a wonderful journey into the depths of who I am.

     It's actually pretty amazing when you start finding out not only who you are, but also that you actually like yourself. And if you’re lucky enough, you find quite a few people who really like you too. Not for the partying and drinking, but for the listening, the caring, and the talking. I'm sure some of you may think that is a foreign concept for me and guess what, it was foreign to me also. But I'm finding that as the days go on the person who used to be slowly disappears as the person I want to be starts to emerge, and guess what? I'm loving it!!! God Bless!

Never

Never be afraid to chance.

Never be afraid to dream.

Never be afraid to be alone.

Because it is by facing these fears

That we find out who we truly are.

Jose

     The other day I stumbled upon an old photo album.  As I’m perusing the photos, besides the aforementioned ex, I start to notice a recurring theme with my pictures.  I realize that in all of them, I am completely and totally drunk.  As I start to reflect back on that time of my life, I start to think about why I stayed drunk so much.  I recall asking my friends, why do you drink? The standard answer was, "I drink to get drunk."  I used to tell everyone that wasn’t my goal; it was more to have a good time.  So I asked myself the question, why did you drink? 

     The answer now is the same as the answer I only told myself back then.  I drank to numb the pain.  So many nights I wasn’t sure exactly who was my best friend?   Was it Johnny, Jack, Jim, or Jose?  Ohhhhh, I think it was Jose, straight up with a little salt and a lemon.  Yep, he was my friend.  He helped me get to the numbness really quick.  Over time, I started to realize that when I woke up in the morning, I felt worse than I did the night before.  Not only was the pain back and intensified, but I also had a massive headache and hangover.  As I finally got to a point in my life that I no longer required Jose as my crutch, not only did I lose him, but I lost a lot of my drinking “buddies."  I use the term buddies loosely, because really, if they were my friends, they would have stuck around when I changed and decided I no longer needed the alcohol. 

     I look back on that life and I’m not ashamed of the time I spent in the bottle because I know that it was events in my life beyond my control that caused me to seek comfort there.  What I am ashamed of is how long it took me to realize that the bottle couldn’t fix my problems.  It took me so long to release myself from the burdens and chains and bondage that I wrapped myself up in because of not wanting to deal with the pain.  I now understand that man caused my pain, not God.  God doesn’t cause our burdens, but He does want to take them from us and He will, if we ask Him to.

     I never realized back then that the Holy Spirit ministers to us to allow us to realize we need Jesus in our lives. It is through this ministering and understanding that we change our lives and become saved.  I’m not going to say life is perfect now that I’ve stepped out of the shadow of the bottle.  Lord knows, the devil fights me now more than ever.  You see, before he had me and there was no struggle.  Before, it was the Lord I struggled with.  Now that I’m not on the devils team, he fights me at every turn because he knows that he has lost me.  Now that I’ve stepped out of the shadows I am no longer scared to walk the beach terrified that as my footprints disappear, so will I.  I am no longer consumed with disappearing into the bottle, but more so walking in the glory of the Son.

Random Thoughts of The Day

     I woke this morning with this on my mind and it seems I can’t escape it until I put it down on paper. I was reminded yesterday at lunch of my friend “Bob." Bob is one of those people that most people have a hard time getting to know. Whether it is from his rough exterior, or not walking and talking like smooth operators of most we know, people often don’t get the chance to know him. I on the other hand, met him at a time, where I found a crack in his veneer and was allowed into the inner sanctum.

     After I got to know him, I realized just how much people were missing out on by not knowing him. I hoped that others’ lives could become enriched the way mine had. I jokingly would refer to him as a scratch and sniff sticker. Thinking that if people would just scratch his surface, they would realize his sweet smell. As I contemplate this, I realize that we are all scratch and sniff stickers. Society has labeled us to who we should be, what we should look like, sound like, and dress like. If we are not packaged just right, then we are just another sticker on the shelf.

     With the advent of e-mail, twitter, Facebook, texting, and blogging, we have all succumbed to society and been placed on a shelf. By doing all these things, we can become who we want to be instead of who we are. We probably text more people in a day than we sit down with face to face in a month. We have forgotten what it is to have a personal relationship with someone, but have no problem telling strangers the most intimate of details online. We have confined ourselves to a box, a shell, a cocoon, afraid to break out and be noticed. We are constantly afraid of what others will think of us. I realize it’s not really important what others think of you. It’s important of what you think of yourself and what God thinks of you. Because if I think about it, He’s the only one I’m sure will still be a part of my life when I’m gone.

     It’s time to step out of the box, break out of that shell, turn into a butterfly and explore new possibilities. I realize the more negative I am about life, the more negative people I hang around. Since I’ve started to hang out around positive people, I am a more positive person. People influence us regardless of their views. When you get older and look back on your decisions and influences in life, do you want people to remember you in a good or bad light? I used to think this question was not very important but now it is. I want people to remember me for good. Because if they do, I’ve somehow made a lasting impact on someone that needed a change in their life. So on that note, I have decided to drop my stickers in the trash and remove the veil and allow people to see the happiness that I feel exude out of me. Because the worst that can happen is they look at me crazy and smile back :)