Somewhere In The Middle

          Traveling through East Texas, I’m reminded of a time when I was stationed in Oklahoma. It was my first official duty station and the first time I had lived on my own. That period of my life was a time shortly after I had reconnected with my birth father. Being that my parents divorced when I was 8 months old, I only saw him on occasion growing up. He was one that you could easily call a dead beat—and truth be told—he could be called a lot of other things as well. If I were the person of old, I would probably name a few of those things—but I won’t—so you’ll just have to use your imagination.

          When I was younger and he surfaced, it wasn’t because he wanted a relationship with his children, but more so because he wanted to rekindle his romance with my mother. We told him that we realized that that was the purpose of his visits, and he quickly faded from the scene. When I was 18, I decided that maybe I should look for him. I figured one day that I would have children and I would want them to know their biological grandfather. So, I went out and found him. I tried to connect with him on so many levels, but to date, the only thing we can agree on is the weather.

          I recall after joining the military that I used to travel to the Shreveport area on multiple occasions to visit him and his new wife. I yearned to have a father in my life and I thought maybe, just maybe, I could finally have that. On numerous occasions I invited them to visit. Phone conversations usually ended with him saying, “Come see me.” One day, I finally ended with, “you know Dad, the road goes both ways.” His response, “Oklahoma is too flat.”

          I found this response shocking to say the least. As someone who’s lived in Oklahoma, I find it anything but flat. I loved going hiking in the Turner Falls, Sulphur area as well as the Wichita Mountains. I found the rolling hills and rock formations lining I-35—breathtaking. Driving through East Texas, the rolling hills pop out at me and I smile, but I’m also saddened.

          I surmise that the rolling hills of Oklahoma are similar to those of East Texas, but yet, he lived in East Texas for many years without complaint. But to come and visit his daughter, well, that was too much. It’s been about 4 ½ years since I’ve spoken to my father, and looking back, I wonder how a father puts conditions on the relationship he has with his child.

          Pondering this, I wonder how life would be if our heavenly Father put conditions on our relationship with Him as well. You see, in the beginning, He comes to us. He helps us, He’s there for us, He listens to us, He protects us, He is whatever you need Him to be, when you need Him to be it. It’s only after a time that He has conditions per se. Initially, He allows us to know the beauty that He has in store for us. However, after some time, things begin to change. He will not continue to be there for us if we do not learn from our mistakes and change our ways. We can’t expect Him to bless us if we don’t first bless Him by accepting Jesus Christ as our one and only Savior.

          As humans, we are used to buying a product and then using it. Same can be said for relationships. We try on relationships just like we try on clothes. If we don’t like it, we return it, throw it away, or give it away. With God, He allows us to first try on His love. Most who truly understand the importance of this will continue on to have an everlasting relationship with God. However, there are those who will push away, who will rebel because of what makes them uncomfortable. Whether it is a relationship with a family member or with God, we have decisions to make. Just like it is difficult to have a one-way relationship with a family member, it is also difficult for God to have a one-way relationship with us.

          Just like the landscaping of rolling hills, our relationship with God will have peaks and valleys, but the greatest thing about our relationship with God is that so long as you refuse to sever ties with Him, the road will always go both ways and He’ll always be there when you need Him. That’s more than I can say for my earthly father.

          I wonder, what peaks and valleys prevent you from having an everlasting relationship with God? What holds you back? What demons do you refuse to let go of? What obstacles do you believe God is unable to conquer? I surmise that if you find the answer to these questions—somewhere in the middle—you’ll find God. God Bless!

The Light of Life

A few weeks ago, I gave someone a Christmas card to thank them for the positive influence that they have had in my life. I even went so far as to tell them “some people exude an inner beauty that lights the world.” They later e-mailed me thanking me for the card and told me “the message on the card rings true for you, you know. You have an inner light that shines forth.” She went on to tell me that that is why she believes so many of my peers gravitate towards me when they have problems.  

Initially, I kind of blew her off, I guess. I was more like, hmm…that inner light, not so sure, but I will take your word for it. You see, we have no problem at all complementing others and telling them how wonderful they are, but if they do the same to us, we brush it to the side. It’s as if we can’t truly see what other’s see in us, and maybe after a few people tell us the same thing, we might start to believe it. The faith that people see in us or the beauty that we exude is inconceivable to us. Maybe that is because for so many years we lived in darkness and became comfortable there.

I realized tonight that she is right. I do have a light that shines from within me and it is thanks to the salvation of Jesus Christ. Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life" (NKJV: John.8.12). After reading the passage, I have come to realize that so long as we continue on an immoral path, we will always live in darkness, and, that, too, is what we present to the world. Because you see, a personal life without God is darkness and void of light.

However, if we are Christians living a God driven life—just like Jesus is the light of our life—we, too, are the light for someone else. However, if we are careless, then that light goes out. You see, as Christians, we must set the example for all to see. There is no shame in living for Jesus Christ, and if others have a problem with it, then so be it. People look to us to see if we are truly living a moral life. They are also there to knock us down when we falter. Somehow, society revels in the idea of a Christian falling from grace. Rather than helping them back up, they use it as a crutch of why they should not change their life. That is why it is so important to live a Christ centered life.

Whether you are in personal darkness or spiritual darkness, the only light at the end of the tunnel is Jesus Christ. The darkness of evil can never overcome or extinguish God’s light. God is too powerful for that to occur. Since He has given us the free will to do as we please, it is “us” that are weak and fall prey to the devil. In order to defeat the devil, we must understand that Jesus Christ is the Creator of life, and His light brings life to mankind. When we take a leap of faith and follow Jesus Christ, we can avoid walking blindly and falling into a life of sin. He lights the path for us to follow so that we can see how to live our life.  
In closing, my question is this, have you allowed the light of Christ to shine into your life? And if so, do others see the light exude from you? Just remember, if you let Christ guide your life, you will never need to stumble in darkness again. God Bless!

Dreams

Dreams. From the time that we are small children, we have dreams and aspirations of what we want to be when we grow up. Some of us wanted to be an astronaut, a teacher, a nurse, a doctor, a lawyer, a writer, a cop, a soldier…well, you get the picture. We all aspire to be something when we grow up, but, somehow, for a majority of us, we fall short of achieving that dream.

As we grow into young adults, the dreams that we had as children seem to fall to the wayside, and the dreams of our parents somehow become our dreams. I’m not quite sure we realize just when it is that their dreams become ours. As we grow old, we tend to forget what it was that we dreamed of in the first place. We are taught to believe that our dreams will never come to fruition and that we need to be realistic as to what we are capable of. We are taught that we are failures and anything that we try on our own volition will be a failure—which only proves the point. We are somehow taught to believe that the dreams we have for ourselves, are just that—and that they are unreasonable, and we will never be successful.

But what is success? Is it a measure that society has placed on our monetary worth? Or is it a measure of our happiness? I tend to believe that what society believes is moot, and that happiness should be the measure of our success. For years, we may live someone else's dream because we fear the failure of living our own. Sometimes, we may have even forgotten the dreams that we had until the right person comes into our lives.

I’ve seen parents who are so convinced that they know what is right for their child that they push the child away because of having different dreams, parents who would rather disown their children because they don’t agree with their choices, and parents who refuse to pay for college because their child would rather be a teacher than a doctor. We get so caught up in the prestige that a title can bring us or our family that we fail to realize the prestige that happiness can bring us.

It seems the devil sends his minions to do his bidding, and he seems to have control of us most of our lives. We live in failure, live in unhappiness, live in solitude, and live in a fantasy. We find ourselves so unhappy that we pretend that life is good and try to appear happy when we are around others in the hopes that they won’t pick up on the unhappiness that stirs our soul.

But then, the unexpected happens. God sends someone to remind us of the dream we once had, someone who recognizes the God given talent that we have, someone who takes time out of their busy life to help us recognize our talent, someone who helps us nurture that talent, and helps us believe in ourselves. Once these things occur, we can once again attempt to achieve that dream that we had when we were children.

I’m not going to say it’s easy. I’m not going to say that there aren’t doubts that will creep into your mind. I have doubts all the time about whether I will ever acquire my dream of being a successful writer. But when I have those doubts, it seems God places the right person in my path to remind me that I can do it. That right person may come in the guise of a loved one, a friend, a pastor, a teacher, or a professor. It doesn’t matter who that right person is, it’s whoever God sends at that moment to help you believe in yourself.

I wonder sometimes, how many of us are living a life of convenience, a life that we felt forced into because our parents wouldn’t support us because it wasn’t their dream for us? How many of us caved and believed that our aspirations are worthless and that we will never amount to anything? That we can never be good enough? And how many are actually living their dream?

There aren’t many things in life that we get the chance to do over. But when it comes to our dreams or our destiny, God makes all things possible. Sometimes, we fail to see the path He has laid before us. He gives us a chance to be happy and to realize the things in life that everyone said we could never achieve—our dreams. Most times, the only thing truly stopping us once we realize our dreams is fear. It’s one thing to have a dream and totally different to realize you may never acquire it. For some, that is enough to prevent them from ever trying. But how can you ever have the possibility of succeeding if you never risk failure?

I surmise that there are many of us living a life that we somehow believe is our own. If you find yourself going through the motions when it concerns your job, regardless of the amount of money you make, maybe it’s time to reassess what your dreams in life really were/are. Once you truly realize your dream and decide to pursue it, there is no amount of failure that can prevent you from achieving it. And when you fall on rough times and doubt yourself, just look to God and He’ll always be there, waiting for you to call His name. God Bless!
 “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”   
                           The Alchemist 
                         by Paulo Coelho

Rare Jewels

            Do you ever meet those people who you consider rare jewels in life? They are so rare and so special that you could probably count them on one hand. They have no idea just how instrumental they are in your life or the special little place you have reserved for them in your heart.
           Do you ever meet those people who you consider rare jewels in life? They are so rare and so special that you could probably count them on one hand. They have no idea just how instrumental they are in your life or the special little place you have reserved for them in your heart. Sometimes, you are even scared to tell them just how wonderful and special they are for fear that you will scare them away.

            Let’s face it; it’s difficult when people think highly of you. Somehow, it tends to place an added pressure on you for fear of letting that person down. You feel like you constantly need to try to be perfect or as perfect as you can possibly be. And, then somehow, you feel distressed when you think you have let them down. They don’t even have to say it; you just feel it.

            As I think about this, I realize one of the things that make these individuals the rare jewels that they are is the lack of judgmental notions and condescending actions when they disagree with your current circumstance. No matter what, they have the ability to listen, console, and provide guidance, no questions asked. They don’t blow smoke up your butt and try to make you feel good by telling you what you want to hear. No—they tell you the truth and that, in and of itself, is rare.

            I’m so very thankful and blessed that I have a handful of rare jewels to turn to in my life. Just when I find myself on a new endeavor, the Lord provides a new jewel that is skilled at that task. It’s interesting to note that along with finding those rare jewels, there are times that others consider you their rare jewel, and it’s equally scary. But, at the same time, it’s rewarding and invigorating to know that someone relies on you for the wisdom you have achieved in life. They desire nothing physical from you except for your heart; sometimes, that is the hardest thing to give. But it’s the most rewarding and awe inspiring feeling outside of the love of God.

            In closing…have you thought about the rare jewels in your life of late? Have you thanked them for who they are and what they mean to you? Have you reached out and said I love you? Or, have you told them I am honored to call you friend? Have you taken the time to consider how you could be a rare jewel in someone else’s life? God bless and have a great day!

Sometimes, you are even scared to tell them just how wonderful and special they are for fear that you will scare them.

            Let’s face it; it’s difficult when people think highly of you. Somehow, it tends to place an added pressure on you for fear of letting that person down. You feel like you constantly need to try and be perfect, or as perfect as you possibly can be. And then somehow, you feel distressed when you think you have let them down. They don’t even have to say it, you just feel it.

            As I think about this, I realize one of the things that make these individuals the rare jewels that they are is the lack of judgmental notions and condescending actions when they disagree with your current circumstance. No matter what, they have the ability to listen, console, and provide guidance, no questions asked. They don’t blow smoke up your butt and try to make you feel good by telling you what you want to hear. No, they tell you the truth and that in and of itself is rare.

            I’m so very thankful and blessed that I have a handful of rare jewels to turn to in my life. Just when I find myself on a new endeavor, the Lord provides a new jewel that is skilled at that task. It’s interesting to note that along with finding those rare jewels, there are times that others consider you their rare jewel, and it’s equally scary. But, at the same time, it’s rewarding and invigorating to know that someone relies on you for the sheer presence of your company. They desire nothing physical from you except for your heart; sometimes, that is the hardest thing to give. But, it’s the most rewarding and awe inspiring feeling outside of the love of God.

            In closing…have you thought about the rare jewels in your life of late? Have you thanked them for who they are and what they mean to you? Have you reached out and said I love you? Or, have you told them I am honored to call you friend? Have you taken the time to consider how you could be a rare jewel in someone else’s life? God bless and have a great day :)

Smile! God Loves You!

            Conflict—a mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands.  I despise conflict with a passion. Some would have you believe that I enjoy it. However, those who truly pay attention will realize that I am saddened, disturbed, or knocked off kilter by the said conflict. Sometimes, even conflicts of minute proportions can be disturbing, especially if the misunderstanding is with someone you trust, value, and respect.

            I’ve realized, as of late, that the actual conflicts that I incur bother me more so now than they ever have. Maybe that’s because my conscience has changed over the last several years. Since I was a person who was used to being a resilient shell, but cocooned within fragility that none ever knew, I denied certain feelings or thoughts in public. However, I somehow no longer feel the need to hide. I feel a sense of burdening when said instances occur now with a need to try and clear up the misunderstanding as soon as possible because, frankly, I find the conflict stressing.

            It’s funny, as I think about this, and at the same time saddening. As I look upon the days of old, I find it ironic that for a person who despises conflict, I was in the military for as long as I was. I find that period to be the most conflictual of my adult life. Many years were spent in conflict, and dare I say, despite the adrenaline rushes of deployments, the rest was of a depressive state that I denied being in all that time. I try to think back to how many times I laughed over the last 13 years, and, frankly, I don’t recall it being many. Actually, a smile or laughter wasn’t common unless you saw an alcoholic beverage pass my lips.

            Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all pain and misery. There were those few individuals who made life worth living and enjoyable. But, sometimes, that would only last while being in the presence of their company. I find not only was I in a depressive state trying to appear happy, but I was also someone who was bitter, disgruntled, sarcastic, and constantly negative. Yes, for those of you shaking your heads (cause there’s a few of you I can already see doing it), that was me.

            People ask me all the time, do you regret getting out of the military? I tell them, “No! I miss the deployments, but that’s about it.” I realize that I miss those deployments so much because those were the happiest times of my career. There was less stress and bureaucracy and more camaraderie and team work. Those were the days of sitting out on the stoop talking for hours, cutting up, and de-stressing after a hard day; chilling in the evening, playing a game of make-shift chess, listening to Dido bellow out some tunes as we drank grape Kool-Aid and ate starbursts; falling in love under a brazen lit desert sky, and finally realizing that yes, love is possible, and it’s possible for me. It seemed all things were possible when deployed. But, then, reality seemed to rear its ugly head and seep in upon my arrival at home. It appeared that for a flicker of a moment, the fairytale was possible, and then I woke up from the fog of happiness with bitterness and disdain back in my heart.

            Surprisingly, I find that difficult to write. Seems none of us ever want to admit our misgivings or shortcomings. We would like to think that we are perfect on most days and only slightly flawless on others. But how dare we speak of bitterness, unhappiness, disdain, or depression? That’s admitting that we have a crack in the veneer, and now others will see right through us. But, I realize, I would rather someone see through me to my soul than to see me as soul-less, which is how I perceive myself to have been all those years.

            Looking back, I realize life changed that day in May of 2003 where I fell to my knees begging God to come into my life. But not enough changed. Because although He did come into my life, I wasn’t strong enough to follow the road map He laid out for me. Before long, I found myself in equally similar circumstances as before, although not to the dark degree I once was. It took another 6 ½ years before He finally called me home, not just where I reside, but the home He had waiting for me—for this is where He deemed I was needed, deemed I would thrive. He knew exactly what I had in store over the next several years and placed the right people in my path to make all the difference, and, for that, I will be eternally grateful. It took another 9 months before I finally gave Him the reigns of my life and said, “Your will be done Father.” It’s funny how the conflict that rose over that decision seems inconsequential now. Knowing what I do now, I can’t believe I ever faltered or struggled with the decision.

            The burdens, the depression, the disdain, and the bitterness, gone—just like that. I think back now and wonder, “What took me so long?” Oh the time I wasted. It’s as if there is so much to make up for now. I want to tell every one of His love and how He changed my life. People do look at me strangely sometimes, but I find I no longer care about what others think or how they look at me where the Lord is concerned. I do care about misunderstandings and the conflicts that arise from such, but I’ll never care at how crazy anyone looks at me for expressing my love for the Lord.

As I write this, I find myself smiling. Actually, I find myself laughing and smiling all the time these days, especially when I’m around people who do the same. But, as I sit here, I wonder, what are the conflicts in your life that keep you pinned down in the bowels of despair? What bitterness and disdain do you hold in your heart as a crutch to build off of? When’s the last time you laughed or smiled for absolutely no reason? Or for a reason? Well, if you need a reason, here’s the greatest one of all, and I find I use it frequently. Smile! God Loves You! God bless and have a wonderful day!

I Will

It’s been quite some time since I have blogged and it feels oddly strange to be doing so now. Seems there are times when the weight of the world is on our shoulders, and we find ourselves lacking in the enjoyments of life. Don’t get me wrong, when I say enjoyments, I mean more so visiting more with people, cutting up with others, maybe watching a little television from time to time, finding more time to read my Bible, and more time to do things around the house rather than constantly studying. With school starting this semester, I find myself studying more than last as my classes are harder than they were before. I imagine each semester will eventually get harder, especially since I will be taking more credits in an effort to finish school sooner. I haven’t lacked in writing, for I have been doing that a lot lately, just not necessarily blog material.

            Of late, I find myself reflecting on things, and sometimes, wishing I could write myself a different story. I find that with the writing and the psychology class I’m currently in, along with my increasing knowledge of the Lord, there has been a lot of introspection this semester. There are things in life I believe we all wish we never did. Some of us though, still proud that we made poor choices, followed with never-ending excuses as to why we made said choices. Some will be destined to never learn from their mistakes and continue to press on making the same ones. I wonder—will they ever learn?

            I find as I struggle with my own identity, I become increasingly less concerned about the whiners of society. That may sound wrong, maybe even partially out of place for me, but, the longer we coddle some, the more we enable them to require coddling. You can only do so much for certain people before you say enough is enough because they refuse to do for themselves. There comes an age where we must say, “You are now an adult, act like one.”

            I’m constantly surprised at the lack of intelligence that erupts from college campuses. The persistent four letter words that seep out of their mouths, the number of sexual partners they’ve had, who they had over the weekend and so on. I mean really, is there no decorum? No sense of pride in oneself? To them, their actions somehow make them an adult. Is that what we strive for—the insistent denigration of oneself, all at the idea of appearing cool. This concept baffles me. It’s as though these things are done in order to feel like someone of importance. If this is the case, we are in more trouble as a society than we thought.

            I’m troubled at these ramblings. I wonder if it is too late for most of these young minds, or is it possible for us to reach them before it’s too late. The fact that so many of them don’t truly know Christ is heart-breaking. I say this because if they did truly know Him, I wouldn’t be writing this. One day, they will be convicted to change their ways. But I wonder, when will that day come? People are so busy living a life of sin that they believe is rewarding and hoarding those things that they think everyone wants, and in turn, they are forgetting about the ultimate prize—life everlasting with our one and only Savior.

            It burdens me the way some have no shame in blaming the Lord for their misfortunes in life. It’s equally concerning that said people have little, if no difficulty denying the sinful act that landed them in their present circumstance. I find this current generation to be increasingly decisive in the fact that somehow society owes them something and that work is no longer a requirement for success. Everything must be handed to them, and it must be done NOW!

            Wow! If we could have that sense of urgency where the Lord is concerned, life would be so much better. It saddens me to note that there are those who will get the message too late. Some will pick it up and discard it for the uncool nature that they deem it to be. Others will ponder it, and still turn away for the peer pressure they must succumb to, because heaven forbid, they have a mind of their own. And then, there will be those who rise above the ashes and say “I Will.” I will stand for God and all His glory regardless of what others say or think, good or bad. So I wonder—what will you do when the time comes?

I Am Thankful

Gods’ beauty just absolutely amazes me sometimes.  No one can paint a picture quite the way He can. With his massive brush strokes across the sky, intricately weaving together the most beautiful pinks, yellows, oranges, and purplish-blue, He sets the tone to end the day.  I realize in this moment, right now, with the wind softly rippling through my hair, the breeze across my face, the quiet melodies of a waterfall in the background, the temperature absolutely perfect under the shade tree, this moment is picture perfect. Well, it would be if that stupid squirrel would quit throwing stuff at me from above.

Isn’t that how life is sometimes? Everything seems picture perfect, and then it feels like you are all of a sudden being bombarded with all kinds of problems?  It’s like you’re constantly weaving in and out of traffic trying to avoid the roadblocks that the devil throws in your path. It seems like it’s one problem, then another, then another, and then another, and well, you get the point.  It gets so bad until you are eventually loaded down with so much drama, you can no longer even see the sky.  You’ve sunk so far into the depths of despair that you can’t figure out how to make your way above water. 

Your home life starts to become affected.  It slowly creeps into your work life.  The next thing you know, it encompasses your whole life.  It’s amazing how the devil has that effect on us.  See, he can’t do it with just one thing; he has to throw the whole kitchen sink at us to get us to fall.  Knowing that, it makes me wonder why we ever give him so much power in our lives in the first place. Instead, we should just rebuke him from the get go. Let him know right off that he has no power over us.  It’s funny how most people will blame God when things go wrong.  God is not to blame: “Every good and perfect gift is from above coming down from the Father of heavenly lights” (NKJV: James 1.17).  With that being said, good comes from God, and bad comes from the devil.

The problem is that we are a morally bankrupt generation.  Values have gone to the wayside.  The majority of people are out for themselves and to heck with everyone else.  There is so much negativity in this world that it overshadows the power of God, not because the devil is winning, but because we as humans are failing. We are failing to see the bigger picture of what is yet to come.  We are failing to see the power of God.  We are failing to understand what sacrifices have been made for us.
We take life for granted every day, forgetting to thank the One who allowed us to be here in the first place, the One who shed blood for us, bore pain for us, cried for us, died for us, rose for us, lives for us, and ultimately loves us.  If you can reconcile that He did all that for you, then can you thank Him, can you praise Him, can you love Him, and can you stand up and be a soldier of the one true God?  I’m thankful for every beautiful creation that God has summoned by His hand. I’m thankful my Father loved me enough to CHOOSE me to be His child.  I’m blessed that I have the ability to tell others about the wonders He has done in my life. Will you stand with me and accept Him as your Father, and Lord and Savior too?

God Bless!

Human Map of Life

    As the anniversary of 9/11 quickly approaches, no doubt we are reminded of the carnage that unfolded that day.  Some of us can remember exactly where we were, exactly how we felt, who we were with, even the smells that were in the air.  When I think back, I don't only think of the devastation that occurred, but I am also reminded of the person I was then, and the person I am now.  I can look back over time and see how each trauma in my life carved out its own little niche, marking its spot on the human map of Brandy.  Seems even years later, certain sounds or smells cause us to revisit the memory.  It undoubtedly appears to have a constant hold on some of us, preventing us from moving on. The traumas that we have incurred in life will never leave us; however, they do get easier over time.    

     I think back to when I was a child; I must have been around 8 or 9.  I was at the neighbor's house playing ball and I pitched the ball to my brother. He hit the ball so hard and so quickly, I had no time to react and unfortunately my face became the new catcher's mitt. I remember spinning around and then hitting the ground.  My brother raced over, picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and carried me home, with me screaming the whole time.  By the time we made it to the front door, mom already with an ice pack in hand, was slamming it into my face.  I remember the swelling was as big as a softball even though I got hit by a baseball. I remember that I had to miss one ball game because I couldn't see well because of the swelling.  I remember, as soon as the swelling went down, it was time for ball pictures.  I look at that picture from time to time and smile as I "show off" my badge of courage.  I went on to play ball many more years, not letting that trauma stop me.  There are times I think back to it, reach up to touch my eye and feel the divot in my skull, and it's unmistakably, me.

     When I was eleven, my mom and step-father Joe got divorced.  Mom went to Las Vegas to celebrate the divorce.  Joe asked if he could take us out to the lake one more time.  On that Saturday, we went to the lake, but his boat broke down.  We were very upset because we wanted to ski and knee-board a bit longer. We begged our neighbors that were watching us to let us go to the lake the next day.  They finally caved in and let us go.  The last thing I said as I walked out the door was, "Don't worry, ain't nothin' gonna happen." So off to the lake we went, this time in my uncle's boat.  We went skiing and knee-boarding for hours.  We even went and rode the Shetland ponies that were always running free.  We used to catch them, pull them up next to the boat trailer, put our life jacket on them, jump on and ride until we fell off. Then we would get up and do it all over again.  It seemed momentarily, all the pain, the trauma, and the innocence lost disappeared.

     Later that day as we were wrapping things up, I got out of the water as they loaded the boat.  I took off my life jacket and jumped back in the water.  I saw my brother out there so I decided to swim to him.  As I was swimming, Joe realized he didn't have the boat lined up straight so he had to back it out.  As he was backing the boat out, he started heading right for me. I remember as the boat loomed closer, I tried to make my little eleven-year old arms paddle as fast they could.  I even recall looking across to the bank as this occurred to see a lady staring directly at me, unable to move, not being able to register what she was seeing.  As I turned back and the boat got closer, I saw a ladder on the back of the boat.  Being that I couldn’t paddle away, I grabbed the ladder and began to climb.  Just as I thought I was safe, the blade caught the heal of my foot and yanked me off the ladder.  It seemed like hours that the blade would chop away at my feet. It was weird, but as it hit my feet, all that I could hear was "thud, thud, thud" as it reverberated through my body. Finally, when I thought life as I know it was over, the boat spit me out and sucked me in. My life flashed before my eleven-year old eyes as my head passed the blade and I flew out the front side of the boat.    

     In all that time, I never cried.  I couldn't reconcile what was going on. Although it had occurred before, this is the first time that I would remember being in "shock."  It seemed as though I finally came out of a dream, and then I wondered, "Do I have feet?  Wait, what about my toes, are they still there?"  Then the tears started flooding, not because of pain, but because of the fear of the unknown. Thank God, fifty-seven stitches later, I'm still walking around as if nothing happened.  I can never forget it happened because of the scars left behind.  The blade definitely carved out its own little section of my flesh and marked its spot.  For years, I had a fear of boats.  I was so afraid of them that even when I was old enough to drive, I couldn't ride behind someone pulling a boat trailer. Visions of the boat flying off the trailer and coming through my windshield sent me into a panic.   

     Since that day, I've had numerous traumas in my life.  I've seen death way too many times.  I've dealt with the repercussions of what society does to one another under the guise of love, and under the realm of hate.  Over time my mind has been ravaged by those thoughts and images.  Sometimes, I can't shut them off.  I look into a fire and I see a man burning as his flesh melts off his body.  I hear a train pass by and remember the guy who was twisted and contorted in such a gruesome manner.  I see the drunk who suffocated himself because he was too drunk to realize he couldn't breathe.  I see the five-year old child who is playing in the room as I counsel the mother on how to care for her child now that she has been molested.  I see the woman who was raped, who not only has to deal with that, but is also flooded by the images that rush in from her molestation as a child.  I see it all.  I feel it all. I hear it all.    

     No doubt, the carnage you saw on 9/11 is something you see, feel, and hear more often than you would like. It's been ten years, and still ravaged by the images we saw on the television screen, pictures we saw in magazines, or interviews we saw from first-hand accounts. Those images will be with us always.  We can never get rid of them, but we can learn to deal with them so that the pain we feel is no longer attached to that memory.  I find that my answer for the pain is prayer.  God is my comforter, my provider, my counselor, and my guidance in life. He is my everything.  I've learned to pray upon things that are painful and just ask God to take the pain. The memory I'll keep, but take the pain.  Because you see, as painful as some things are, they are the map to "who" we are.  Each little or big incident in life creates a new stop sign, curve, hill or mountain on our map of life.  I look back over the last 10 years and see the commentary of the one's who lost loved ones, and I sympathize with them.     

     However, sometimes we have to let go of the pain to make room for the happy memories to come.  Sometimes we get so consumed by our grief, we lose our identity.  What honor are we doing the memory of the loved one if we ourselves forget how to live?  What honor do we do ourselves if we don't move past certain traumas and road blocks in our lives?  There will always be loss, always be pain, and always be remorse.  We may not be able to control what happens, but we can control what we do with it in the end.  How about unloading it all on the one who can give you peace of mind, peace of heart, and peace of soul.  There is so much that God can do in our lives, but first, you must ask. God Bless.

Visions of the Past

The other day I was out in the pasture cutting the grass and burning some old lumber.  As the day wore on, the fire got hotter and I found myself entranced by the blaze.  It’s as if it captivated me.  It wasn’t too long after that that I started seeing a man burning as flashbacks of an airplane crash that I responded to popped in my head.  It’s been just over three years, and still from time to time I see him burning, flesh melting off of his bones.  That’s an image hard to get rid of.  In that moment this voice popped into my head making me doubt if I had done enough when responding.  If maybe I would have drug him from the burning wreckage, maybe we could have saved him.  I know that he died on impact, every bone broken, and understand that the burning, thank God, he did not feel.  However, the devil likes to worm his way into the most intricate of spaces and try to convince us that we have done wrong, aren’t good enough, or worthy enough.

We all have some type of trauma in our lives that we seem to relive, some of us more than others.  It depends on the trauma, did we repress, has it been buried and we keep pushing it down until all of a sudden it explodes.  There are things that we believe we have dealt with that really we haven’t.  For some of us, certain situations remind us of those traumas.  Maybe it’s a trauma from child hood and being around some of the same types of situations you dealt with as a child bring that trauma to the front.  Those people who are a part of your life then and now usually take the brunt of the explosion.  Because unfortunately, sometimes they are the catalyst, that spark in your life that reminds you of that trauma.  Being around them more than usual or certain things they say or do remind you of memories you would like to forget.  Unfortunately, the only thing they pick up on is that you exploded on them and not that they somehow had any part in it.  What’s that saying, “for anyone who is without blame, let him cast the first stone.”  With that understanding, there should never be a stone cast in my opinion, because I can’t think of one person who is without blame to some degree, including myself.

My Pastor asked me the other day, what is the difference in my life now as opposed to before I was saved?  I think the difference is that now, I strive to actually try to be a better person than I was before.  Cussing is no longer my second language, alcohol is no longer a beverage of choice, nicotine is no longer a pleasure I partake in.  I am more capable of recognizing my own faults and realizing that yes, I can be wrong about things.  I’m quicker to apologize when I realize I’ve done wrong and I realize that forgiveness is a major part of any Christian journey.  Even though I still have issues that I’m dealing with from my past, I’m no longer depressed and repressed.  I am trying to take the negatives of my life and turn them into positives.  I’m not going to say it’s easy.  No one ever said doing the right thing or living a Christian life was easy, but it is a whole lot better than the life I was living. 

Today’s sermon at church was about laying down the burdens of the past.  Lord knows I pray about it and try to lay down those burdens daily.  I have however realized that I’m no longer running and hiding from the past, but running towards a future in Christ.  There are some who will try to beat you down because you make a mistake and say that you really aren’t a Christian.  However, I don’t believe any true Christian can do wrong in the eyes of the Lord and not feel convicted to correct that wrong.  That conviction is what allows us to know that we are trying to live a Christ like life.  We will fail, we will falter, we will come short.  But the grace of God will get us the rest of the way.   

I’m reminded of a song that I truly love.  The last part of the rift speaks so much to how I am trying to live and change my life.  “I’m carried up into the higher levels, no chains can bind me because now I’m alive in you. I belong to You, You called my name and I left that life behind.  Now I’m alive in this thing called grace and mercy, now I am a live in you.”  Isn’t that something that we should all strive for, to be alive in Jesus Christ?  But in order to do that, we have to become dead to the things of the flesh.  The burdens of the past will continue to weigh us down until we let them go and just live for Jesus Christ.  He is judge and jury and the things of this earth cannot hold us down.  We all have a cross to bear, but none can compare to that of our Lord and Savior.  You see, he bore the ultimate price so you don’t have to.  The blood of Jesus washes me clean and makes me whole.  Do you believe He can do the same for you?

With Everything

     We had a youth night last night at our church and it was just amazing.  We were basically giving testimony of the wonders of God's work while we were at youth camp a few weeks ago.  The kids all lined up in the foyer high-fiving people as they came into church excited and pumped to being doing God's will.  They got up and danced for the congregation and we played a video and slide show showing some of the stuff done at camp.  The kids did a prayer warrior skit that entailed what they were prepared to do in God's army. I believe this was my favorite portion of the night, it was amazing. Afterwards we went into worship and then everyone gave their detailed testimony from camp and how God moved on their hearts.  The service ended with three baptisms.  All in all, a  phenomenal night.

     During camp we had 3 salvation's to Christ and 2 re-dedications.  I was reminded last night as it was my turn to speak about how we become spiritually dead sometimes.  It's like we go to church and somehow life gets in the way and instead of going to worship God, we go as a civic duty constantly looking at our watch wondering if it's over yet.  We forget to leave our baggage at the door and allow the will of the Lord to do His work.  I myself have felt that at times.  I work the media at church and sometimes with all the requirements of making sure the congregation gets the info they need, it's difficult to worship.  It's not always that way, but sometimes it feels that way.

     I sometimes feel as though some go to church to look good and feel good about themselves, but they never get involved with anything.  I was reminded at camp about "Love" and just how much it should be a part of every congregation.  The congregation should not only worship together and love God together, but they should love each other and help each other.  As I stood in worship services at camp and watched these teenagers go to the altar and pour their hearts out to God, it was amazing to see those who followed in droves to put hands on them to pray with them.  I remember one time I was up at the altar praying with two of our youth and all of a sudden I felt multiple hands on my back as I laid hands on the other two.  It was amazing the power that I felt course through as I felt God doing His work through me, and well, it was amazing.

     Camp was not only a time for the youth, but also a time for the adults to be revitalized in the Lord as well.  There are still many things I am trying to learn in my walk of faith.  Things are still so new to me that I struggle with understanding sometimes.  I also have my own demons that the Lord is working with me on.  These demons were re-iterated at camp with some of our sessions.  I even read one of the books from mercy ministries that helped put some things in perspective while there.  I recall them saying that each one of us was at camp for a reason, we may not know what that reason is, but there was one.  Whether any of us knew it at the beginning of the week, God had a master plan and His benefits were truly rewarding.

     I think the only regrets I have from camp were, it wasn't long enough, and next year when I go, someone else is gonna have to take pics too so I can do more with the kids.  Hopefully next year, some of my medical issues will be better so that I can do more with the kids.  I also regret that this is the first time I ever attended camp.  I feel extremely blessed to have went with the group of teenagers that I went with.  I see great things in their future and believe God will help them through anything.  Even when we don't think He's there, He is.  I remember back to being a child and growing up and not really attending church on a regular basis and definitely not being saved in any sort of way, the struggles that I went through.  I realize now, through all the battles, demons, depressions, and alcohol binders, God was still with me and kept me from doing things that I could not recover from.  His hand has been on me all along, even before I was saved.  The wonderful thing now is that I understand to Him goes the glory and honor.

     I'm not going to say that tough times still don't ensue, but they are better now that He is a part of my life than not.  I don't know what I would do if I would have never turned my life over to God.  Life is so much better now than it has ever been.  Camp will forever remind me that "With Everything", "I Will Exalt You" and I will continue to be forever grateful that You "Lead Me To The Cross" and "Saved Me (Hosanna)".  I learned that with everything, I will shout forth Your glory and praise and that because You're with me, I will not fear. I am honored and forever grateful to have been a part of this group and I look forward to it for many years to come. I pray that these kids and the adults continue to stay on target and reinvigorated in the Lord's work and continue to bring that to the congregation each and every week. Because if they continue to do His will, the "Awakening" that could occur could be absolutely phenomenal. God Bless!

Rejection

     This past week was spent at church camp with an amazing group of teens and an awe inspiring Clear Camp staff who were on fire for the Lord.  Wow, to have that drive, that motivation, that energy for the Lord all of the time.  It was a hot, tiring, draining (emotionally and physically), exhausting, spiritually uplifting, spiritually challenging, motivating, all out frenzy of praise and worship for the one true God.

     Bible study and Worship services were offered twice a day.  It would be amazing if we could do this everyday and not have to worry about working.  But just spend our time learning and loving the Lord more than we already do.  Learning about the barriers that we still have in our own journey with the Lord.  The bible studies were designed for each age group as well as for the adults.  And if I haven't said it, they have an amazing staff from top to bottom.

     One of the lessons taught, and seemingly the most moving for the entire group, was a lesson taught on rejection.  We discussed wounds and scars in the spiritual sense.  It was discussed how wound's are sores not yet healed and how some of us choose not to allow our wound to heal because we like the attention.  That hit a nerve for me because I could imagine some I know like this.  There would be some who would say that I fit into this category, and maybe they would be right.  Some wounds just aren't that easy to be healed.  Unfortunately, there are wounds we have had almost our entire lives never having the guidance or the knowledge to understand how to be healed from these wounds. Once healed from these wounds, we will have scars.  Scars are wounds that have been tended to by God and no longer hurt.

    The most devastating rejection that one will endure is the rejection of a parent.  The rejection of parents will devastate you the rest of your life.  Sadly, unless that parent gets right with the Lord and reaches out to the child, the wound will most likely continue.  You see, it's not the child's responsibility to mend the relationship, but it is the parent’s responsibility.  I gave up on my Father ever having anything to do with me years ago.  That rejection was not felt once, but twice—once  as a child, and again as an adult.  Regardless of the age, the pain still cuts deep.

     Unfortunately, any time we choose to love, we undoubtedly risk the possibility of being rejected.  This rejection can be from family, friends, co-workers, or significant others.  Some of us have dealt with rejection our entire lives and we tend to guard ourselves, bailing before we can be hurt. I'm guilty; I've been in this position more times than I can count. It's like we try to fill a vacancy with unchecked fear inviting all kinds of sin into our lives to fill that vacancy.  Some of us choose to fill that vacancy with promiscuity, thinking eventually someone will love us for all of the wrong reasons. Others choose alcohol and drugs to numb the pain.  I'm fortunate that I chose the lessor of these evils with the drinking as a way of numbing my pain, feeling as though somehow I could lose the rejection in a bottle of tequila.  How many years wasted did I have?  Who knows?  It's too many to count.

     With this lesson I've realized that on the horizon is good news.  If you are a child of the King, he has called you, me, and everyone else out of the darkness who chooses to call upon Him. Let God have the time and attention He needs and He will heal the rejection.  It may take some time.  It is hard to give up a crutch you've lived with for so long, because for some of us, how will we survive if others do not feel pity for us?  Once you realize the problem, pray on it, and give it to God.  Let him take this wound that cuts so deeply and turn it into a scar that represents the beauty of His love.  Until you call upon Him, you will never fully realize that He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  So, on that note, what are you waiting for?  Thanks to Lisa at Clear Camps for this amazing insight.

To Save A Life

     I attended a funeral today of a young man in the prime of his life.  15 years old and his life is already over.  From what I've read, it appears as though the kid may have been bullied often at school, and due to the lack of guidance in his life, he succumbed to the cruelties of society and committed suicide.

     This funeral brought my thoughts back to when I was in high school, when in the 9th grade, a kid I went to school with did the same thing.  He was so overcome with the burdens of life; he went to the front steps of the middle school and shot himself.  The principal found him as he came to unlock the school that morning.

   Seems back then, suicide of kids was rare.  Parents actually parented instead of allowing Xbox, PlayStation, WII's, computers, or television to be their babysitter.  Parents appeared to be more in tune with their children because they actually spent more time with their children.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that parents were allowed to discipline their children without fear that the cops would come beating down their door.  Maybe it was because 15-20 years ago, the morals and values of this nation were not in such a decline as they are now.

     Let's face it, children mimic what they see.  Children bully others because it is something that is learned.  They learn these things from society, television, video games, and their parents.  I say parents because parents have the ability to change the games they play, TV. shows they watch, or Internet sites they peruse.  Some unfortunately is learned from the violence in the home that they undoubtedly carry out into the schools.  They see dad knock mom around and somehow think this is an acceptable way of treating others.  Kids become so obsessed with being cool and popular; they don't have a problem being cruel to people to gain that popularity.  The sad thing is, in 5, 10, 15 years, no one will care how popular you were in high school.

     As I sit here and watch the church fill up with some of the children from his school, I wonder how many were part of the bullying, because it’s evident not enough were involved with the prevention, or else we wouldn't be here.  People will drop by the Facebook page dedicated to his memory and leave nice comments.  Some no doubt will have a sense of regret for the things they wish could have been different if only they would have done the right thing and called out the bullies on their behavior. Others will feel a sense of guilt for the part that they played in the bullying.  Sadly, some will not care and will continue their behavior day after day until eventually there is another child who can't handle the bullying.  Hopefully this will be a wakeup call to those bullies showing them the consequences of their actions.

    My question to you is this.  How much time does it take to look beyond ourselves and show kindness to others?  We have the ability to stop these atrocities.  We have the ability to change who we are and how we respond to others.  We have the ability to save a life.  We can all make a difference in someone’s life whether negative or positive.  What difference will you make in someone’s life?  Will you stand proud, stand firm, stand strong with the power and the glory of the Lord by your side and take the first step to save a life?

I Will Rejoice

     I'm sitting here toggling back and forth between websites applying for jobs and trying not to be discouraged with the caliber of jobs that are offered.  I find it difficult to find a job when all the stuff I am qualified on, I have difficulty performing due to back injury.  I have applied for 4 or 5 more jobs today that I pray will eventually come to fruition.

      I sometimes just want to give up looking, but realize this is the wrong approach.  Most people who know me don't peg me as a quitter, and I don't see myself that way either.  However, sometimes the devil gets a hold of just the slightest negative thought and seems to press right where it hurts.  Seems I find myself looking for comfort more and more from the Bible as of late.  Right now that seems to be the only constant non-disappointing thing in my life.  People will disappoint and circumstances will disappoint, but the Lord never disappoints.  He may not always give us what we desire, but He always gives us what we need.

     I find that even when I feel like plummeting to the depths of despair, the Lord always provides a life line to pull me out.  He brings me out of the darkness and carries me safely to the warmth of His glory.  Now I understand how it is possible to look at people and wonder how they can appear to be in such dire straits but have such a wonderful and positive outlook on life.  It's because the Lord is their beacon in the storm guiding them through the port. Even with all of the disappointments life seems to throw our way, there is a constant ringing in my ears and it is saying "I will rejoice, I will rejoice, and be glad."  That song has been stuck in my head all week.  I downloaded it yesterday and have probably listened to it 20 times. 

     There is something to be said for music, how it can totally change our whole demeanor.  The more negative music we listen to the more negative we are and vice versa with the positive music.  So even though I may find disappointment in the ways of the world, I will never find disappointment from the Lord and will take this opportunity to Love Him, Study Him, and attempt to Learn and Decipher the message He has given me. I will continue to rejoice in Him and be thankful for all of the glorious things that He has provided for me. Have you taken the opportunity to thank Him lately for all the wonders in your life?

I Will Rejoice

Verse 1

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of our God.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of our God.

So I will rejoice, I will rejoice, and be glad.

My depressed days are over, I will, I made up my mind, I will, I'm gonna be glad.

Verse 2

There is a fountain full of grace that flows from Emmanuel's veins.

There is a fountain so full of grace that flows from my Savior's veins.

It came and it healed me

It came and refreshed me

It came and washed my sins away!

Chorus

So I will rejoice, I will rejoice, and be glad.

I will rejoice, I will rejoice, and be glad.