Smile! God Loves You!

            Conflict—a mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands.  I despise conflict with a passion. Some would have you believe that I enjoy it. However, those who truly pay attention will realize that I am saddened, disturbed, or knocked off kilter by the said conflict. Sometimes, even conflicts of minute proportions can be disturbing, especially if the misunderstanding is with someone you trust, value, and respect.

            I’ve realized, as of late, that the actual conflicts that I incur bother me more so now than they ever have. Maybe that’s because my conscience has changed over the last several years. Since I was a person who was used to being a resilient shell, but cocooned within fragility that none ever knew, I denied certain feelings or thoughts in public. However, I somehow no longer feel the need to hide. I feel a sense of burdening when said instances occur now with a need to try and clear up the misunderstanding as soon as possible because, frankly, I find the conflict stressing.

            It’s funny, as I think about this, and at the same time saddening. As I look upon the days of old, I find it ironic that for a person who despises conflict, I was in the military for as long as I was. I find that period to be the most conflictual of my adult life. Many years were spent in conflict, and dare I say, despite the adrenaline rushes of deployments, the rest was of a depressive state that I denied being in all that time. I try to think back to how many times I laughed over the last 13 years, and, frankly, I don’t recall it being many. Actually, a smile or laughter wasn’t common unless you saw an alcoholic beverage pass my lips.

            Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all pain and misery. There were those few individuals who made life worth living and enjoyable. But, sometimes, that would only last while being in the presence of their company. I find not only was I in a depressive state trying to appear happy, but I was also someone who was bitter, disgruntled, sarcastic, and constantly negative. Yes, for those of you shaking your heads (cause there’s a few of you I can already see doing it), that was me.

            People ask me all the time, do you regret getting out of the military? I tell them, “No! I miss the deployments, but that’s about it.” I realize that I miss those deployments so much because those were the happiest times of my career. There was less stress and bureaucracy and more camaraderie and team work. Those were the days of sitting out on the stoop talking for hours, cutting up, and de-stressing after a hard day; chilling in the evening, playing a game of make-shift chess, listening to Dido bellow out some tunes as we drank grape Kool-Aid and ate starbursts; falling in love under a brazen lit desert sky, and finally realizing that yes, love is possible, and it’s possible for me. It seemed all things were possible when deployed. But, then, reality seemed to rear its ugly head and seep in upon my arrival at home. It appeared that for a flicker of a moment, the fairytale was possible, and then I woke up from the fog of happiness with bitterness and disdain back in my heart.

            Surprisingly, I find that difficult to write. Seems none of us ever want to admit our misgivings or shortcomings. We would like to think that we are perfect on most days and only slightly flawless on others. But how dare we speak of bitterness, unhappiness, disdain, or depression? That’s admitting that we have a crack in the veneer, and now others will see right through us. But, I realize, I would rather someone see through me to my soul than to see me as soul-less, which is how I perceive myself to have been all those years.

            Looking back, I realize life changed that day in May of 2003 where I fell to my knees begging God to come into my life. But not enough changed. Because although He did come into my life, I wasn’t strong enough to follow the road map He laid out for me. Before long, I found myself in equally similar circumstances as before, although not to the dark degree I once was. It took another 6 ½ years before He finally called me home, not just where I reside, but the home He had waiting for me—for this is where He deemed I was needed, deemed I would thrive. He knew exactly what I had in store over the next several years and placed the right people in my path to make all the difference, and, for that, I will be eternally grateful. It took another 9 months before I finally gave Him the reigns of my life and said, “Your will be done Father.” It’s funny how the conflict that rose over that decision seems inconsequential now. Knowing what I do now, I can’t believe I ever faltered or struggled with the decision.

            The burdens, the depression, the disdain, and the bitterness, gone—just like that. I think back now and wonder, “What took me so long?” Oh the time I wasted. It’s as if there is so much to make up for now. I want to tell every one of His love and how He changed my life. People do look at me strangely sometimes, but I find I no longer care about what others think or how they look at me where the Lord is concerned. I do care about misunderstandings and the conflicts that arise from such, but I’ll never care at how crazy anyone looks at me for expressing my love for the Lord.

As I write this, I find myself smiling. Actually, I find myself laughing and smiling all the time these days, especially when I’m around people who do the same. But, as I sit here, I wonder, what are the conflicts in your life that keep you pinned down in the bowels of despair? What bitterness and disdain do you hold in your heart as a crutch to build off of? When’s the last time you laughed or smiled for absolutely no reason? Or for a reason? Well, if you need a reason, here’s the greatest one of all, and I find I use it frequently. Smile! God Loves You! God bless and have a wonderful day!